Let me be honest….

Aloha ꕥ,

The title of this article speaks for itself. I want to be honest with you guys, about blogging.

Since i was little i kept a diary, almost everyday i wrote in it. I looked forward that when i got home from school, i could go write in my diary after i finished homework. How i felt, what i did or if i had something on my chest. When i became older i kept on writing but only when i had the need to it. Sometimes it was a few times in a week or in a month but it could happen that i wrote months not.

Since my dad died in 2009, i have been struggeling with myself.. I didn´t know what i wanted with and in my life. Didn´t felt loved or wanted. I was doing a education i didn´t like, i almost didn´t made it to finish it because i was giving up on it. After that education i started an other one what has the same story, almost didn´t make it to the end (but before i started my last year, i met Milenco). I didn´t get people, at that point. Didn´t understand people, who we are, what we doing here, how some could be so different. Is everyone thinking like me ? I had a mask on all the time to pleasure people, so they would like me. Didn´t like myself, i have hurt myself plenty of times.. There was even one time i almost gived up on life, i didn´t saw the point of life anymore.. I was in a mild depression and my closed ones didn´t notice it was this bad, so good i was faking it. I didn´t saw life as a beautiful thing but as a horrible place to live in. And still i kept on writing in my diarys, it was a sort of outway for me.

So there he was, Milenco, someone who looked straight through me from moment 1, immediately knew me, hit my sore spots without doing much for it. He was there for me, treaded me with so much love and respect, showed me what love was, he was a great support and always listen when i wanted to talk, even if i didn´t know it for myself, he knew and started the conversation. We had hours of talking and bit by bit i started to feel relieved and more free. Started to enjoy and appericiate life. I didn´t know how but it felt so good. Even without my own knowlegde all old traumas came up and just by talking with Milenco and his parents i felt so relieved as everything felt in place. I still remember the first time i met his parents (and remember this, we only know each other 3 weeks before we went on vacation so getting to know hit parents was also very quickly in the relationship). I remember that i immediately felt home and save but all 3 (his father, mother and himself) looked right through me. I felt so weak and naked, i couldn´t fake it with them. I bursted into tears THE FIRST TIME I MEETED HIS PARENTS! I could sink through the ground, i was so ashamed! I even had this write down in the latest dairy!! But they helped me so much by just talking to me. I didn´t know that speaking could have such an influence.

I felt like i was reborn, like a butterfly coming out of the concon. I started with meditation, more focus on what i eat, i stopt drinking alcohol, stopt using social media, sold the television, started to read more books and all of that stuff and became a complete different person than i was before. Friends (& family) dissapeared from my path and i just accepted it. What else could i do ? I had the feeling they didn´t get me and they had the feeling that i had changed to much. But we just lived on different dementions, frequentions, vibrations. It is no problem, if this happens.

I think when i met Milenco i had between 12 and 15 diarys, can´t remember the exact amount. Do you know what i have done with them ? First i have readed them all and then i burned them. And the moment i did that, was like as the last piece of misery felled from my shoulders. My backpack was getting bit by bit emptier. I felt so reborn after that. This happend also in those 3 weeks before we went on vacation.

I have done this also with Bodhi. Everyday in the hospital i have written how he was doing and his recovery. But also about how i felt and my thoughts. After he got home i readed everything again and threw it in the fireplace. It really helps therapeutically! I really recommened this. You know that when you write it helps your brain to focus more.

When i was pregnant from Alano i spoke with a woman who said to me she kept a diary for her unborn child. I thought it was a little bit weird but i didn´t get it out of my head so i started a diary for my own little baby. About how i felt when and how he was growing. You can find that on the internet so i just copied that. I did this by all the 3 boys and even now when there is something special happend in there lifes i write in their diarys, think on the first steps, the first teeths. Even my husband occasionally receives a handwritten letter.

I love writing so why this long article, what doesn´t goes about blogging at all ? Well, to be honest, that is because i still find it so hard and difficult to start a blog! Every damn day! My fears come up. And i start to question myself: would the people like this, is it helpfull for my followers, etc etc.. I like it so much to write about all sort of things, share my thoughts and the things we do. And still can not come over that point. I really need to focus and sit for a couple of hours to write an article like this… Why ? How can it be ? And when it is finished, is it good enough ? This is just a personal experience but i think more bloggers will have it. Just do what you love/like and don´t think to much about how others will like it or not. Be you and most of all enjoy what you do, you do this for you. Believe in yourself and keep on going. Master you mind!

Do you recognize yourself ? Feel free to share your opinion or give tips.

🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤

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